My Recurring Dream
One of the nice side-effects of downing so much Tylenol PM is that I have very vivid dreams almost every night. I'm talking dreams that I can recall in minute detail for hours after I wake up. Many thanks to the folks at Tylenol for giving me many nights of wonderful, deep slumber.
Anyway, the other night I had a dream that I have been having for awhile, in one variation or another. This dream irritates me at the same time as making me deeply sad, because I feel like it indicates some buried emotions or regrets or something Freud-like. Paging Dr. Freud for analysis.
The basic premise of the dream is this: I am at my grandparents' farm. It's a beautiful day, sunny, blue skies, corn in the fields, birds singing. Very idyllic except for one thing. My grandpa is gone, grandma is moving soon and we have 15 minutes to go through the house from top to bottom and take what we want. It was/is a rather decent-sized house and my grandpa in particular was a bit of a hoarder. The man had more Reader's Digests and empty Avon cologne bottles than anyone I've ever known.
Anyway, in my dream I feel this overwhelming sense of panic. How in the world can I possibly go through every drawer, every cupboard, every nook and cranny of this most amazing place I've ever loved? I almost never get out of the bedrooms, never leave the second floor. I don't recall ever dreaming about going through the kitchen cupboards or the basement or attic. It's always the bedrooms. I see the furniture in great detail and recall (amazingly enough) what was in most of the various drawers. For example, Grandma always had scarves and gloves and belts in one drawer in one bedroom, and I go through that drawer in my dreams and those things are all there. I'm frantic to pull out everything meaningful to me...the problem being that suddenly, knowing that we're leaving and never coming back...everything has meaning. Even the piles of Reader's Digests, the Avon cologne bottles, coasters, cribbage boards, stubs of pencils.
I'm pretty sure that I have this dream because I will occasionally start thinking about the fact that when we did go through the house, I avoided going there and taking much of anything. It's not because I didn't want anything. I just couldn't stand to spend any extra time at the house after Grandma had moved out. I still regret that I didn't take more time to comb through things.
So, without going to therapy, how does one get rid of these sorts of regrets? Sigh.
Anyway, the other night I had a dream that I have been having for awhile, in one variation or another. This dream irritates me at the same time as making me deeply sad, because I feel like it indicates some buried emotions or regrets or something Freud-like. Paging Dr. Freud for analysis.
The basic premise of the dream is this: I am at my grandparents' farm. It's a beautiful day, sunny, blue skies, corn in the fields, birds singing. Very idyllic except for one thing. My grandpa is gone, grandma is moving soon and we have 15 minutes to go through the house from top to bottom and take what we want. It was/is a rather decent-sized house and my grandpa in particular was a bit of a hoarder. The man had more Reader's Digests and empty Avon cologne bottles than anyone I've ever known.
Anyway, in my dream I feel this overwhelming sense of panic. How in the world can I possibly go through every drawer, every cupboard, every nook and cranny of this most amazing place I've ever loved? I almost never get out of the bedrooms, never leave the second floor. I don't recall ever dreaming about going through the kitchen cupboards or the basement or attic. It's always the bedrooms. I see the furniture in great detail and recall (amazingly enough) what was in most of the various drawers. For example, Grandma always had scarves and gloves and belts in one drawer in one bedroom, and I go through that drawer in my dreams and those things are all there. I'm frantic to pull out everything meaningful to me...the problem being that suddenly, knowing that we're leaving and never coming back...everything has meaning. Even the piles of Reader's Digests, the Avon cologne bottles, coasters, cribbage boards, stubs of pencils.
I'm pretty sure that I have this dream because I will occasionally start thinking about the fact that when we did go through the house, I avoided going there and taking much of anything. It's not because I didn't want anything. I just couldn't stand to spend any extra time at the house after Grandma had moved out. I still regret that I didn't take more time to comb through things.
So, without going to therapy, how does one get rid of these sorts of regrets? Sigh.
Comments
Aunt Donna
I had the luxury of my grandmas moving over time after my grandfathers died. I thought "I'll want everything!", but when it came down to it, for me, all of the objects out of the context of my
grandparent's home, didn't have the same meaning.
I have a few things around our house that belonged to my grandparents. And I look at them and remember where it was, but I do the same thing with photographs. If I didn't have them, I don't think I would miss them. But if I had taken everything I thought I wanted, I would just be moving boxes of stuff from room to room.
My only advice is to write write write about those things you wish you had taken and what they meant to you. You (and your kids) will treasure the thoughts and feelings around those objects as much as they would the things themselves.
Sometimes when I can't sleep I start on the main floor and go through each and every room and try to remember as much detail as I can. I think the farm symbolizes many things for us kids--youth, happiness, innocence, adventure, etc. And when Grandpa died and Grandma moved away it was the end of that era of our lives.
Anyway, I understand how you feel.